A handful of thoughts

Of course you cannot do that. Remember, if you kill yourself now you’ll never see him again. Never!

But even if I don’t, how long am I going to see him in any case. He’ll be married soon; and have sex with the lucky bitch. Where will I be then in his scheme of things?

May be you’ll never get to have sex with him again (that is if he doesn’t find you irresistible enough to betray his wife). But you can always steal a glance at him now and then. You can chat with him on the internet and perhaps even call him sometime. But if you push that empty syringe into your veins now, it will be all darkness henceforth.

Isn’t that infinitely better than seeing him roaming about with another woman on his shoulders? And all this in spite of the fact that he is in love with me? And I know that even if he is in love with me, once he gets married, he’ll gradually fall in love with that other woman as well.

You know, you are 31 now. Old enough to understand that what cannot be cured must be endured. Do you think that if you flee like a coward he is going to remember you for all you were worth? He will chastise you and will always think that you didn’t have the strength after all to face it.

And what is the big deal about that? He always chastises me. It is one of his ways to show that he cares for me. He only chastises those that he loves. About the rest he doesn’t care.

But if you die he wouldn’t even be able to chastise you. What will become of him then? Where will he vent his anger and frustrations and depression? Imagine, you know him so much better than anybody else. Someday if he is annoyed with his wife over something, you’ll be able to gain an upper hand. You can console him, comfort him, fondle him. The possibilities are infinite. How can you not want to try them out?

That was the biggest mistake of my life. To try to try things out. Why did I at all meet him in his apartment five weeks before my marriage? And after that even went on with my marriage like a fool. And you; it is you who had talked me into getting married to him. And now you are trying to talk me out of death.

Oh come on…it is going to hurt you so bad that syringe of yours.

My life already hurts too bad. It cannot be worse.

That syringe might not even kill you. You can be paralyzed or turn into a vegetable. Now, that will be highly inglorious for someone like you. Why not surf the internet and come up with better and surer ways? Fewer things are as bad as trying to die and failing. Come come let’s sleep. That husband of yours can’t even guess what you are up to. He’s sleeping peacefully.

If you are so worried about him why don’t you go to sleep beside him? He’s your husband too.

I will. Once you promise to join me. Don’t worry I’ll lie right between both of you like I’ve been doing all these years. You sure trust me, don’t you? I know you do. Come my love; let’s sleep.